Oh, hello America. It's us, Canada.
As your whitest neighbour, we realize you don't think about is very much, but that's okay,
sometimes being on your radar isn't such a good thing.
But we've been thinking about you, and I think I speak for all Canadians when I say...
What the fuck?
Your country is on fire, and your leaders are whittling sticks for their marshmallows.
Right now, Congress is debating whether guns have the right to marry other guns.
And what is this?
What is it?
Did America lose a bet?
And who suffers from this nonsense?
You do. The good citizens of the United States
whose only crime is turning out for elections and embarrassingly low numbers.
So while we appreciate the flood of American refugees fleeing our direction,
we've decided maybe it's our turn to come to your house.
So we are once again declaring our "canadacy" for President of the United States of America.
Not me, not Prime Minister Centerfold... but all of us --
34 million of the politest people you will ever meet,
working in shifts as your new Commander- in-Chief.
Now we were a little disappointed when you didn't elect us in 2012,
but where Canada, so we just went to the doctor and got her feelings checked for free.
Now we're grateful American has been carrying Canada on its back for years
But now it's our turn to carry you.
How will we make America better?
We'll open one free daycare for every closed Planned Parenthood clinic.
We will legalize weed so you can stop worrying about terrorists
and start worrying about your cat stealing your ideas.
And we'll help you solve your race problem, as soon as we figure out why you still have a race problem.
It's not that we don't see race in Canada
It's that we can't.
Look, we know that America is a great country. We just want to help you make it good again.
So you can vote for us, or you can vote for one of those guys promising to build a wall along the Canadian border
to keep out your scary neighbors.
But I'll let you in on a little secret.
We're way ahead of you.