MADTV - Stupidest man in the world

okay nine-one-one is a joke

finally well it's about time Turner and

hooch I called y'all an hour ago what's

the problem sir get inside and I'll tell

you okay thank you for joining me

here's what happened I went outside to

get a sandwich I come back my doors wide

open all my weed is gone I'm sorry did

you say all your weed is gone

mom Crockett don't tell me you don't

know what weed is man pot reefer man run

no why not yes all right well then quit

Dorking me around here Tubbs I'm a man

who's been robbed did all right

they took three choice Blum bushes and

eight ounces I harvested last weekend

all right so go get on the case Jake in

the fat man and let's go you know we're

police officers right what I don't how

do you understand what's happening here

the dudes that stole my weed is getting

away and I'm talking to because right

here all right sir why don't you just

tell us what happened all right thank

you Cagney

all right Lacey over here trying to jack

me around but I can see that you with it

all right so last night I was at the

blue rose all right I shut it down got

real drunk all right I decided to drive

back to my place for little after-hours

park you know I'm dying around mm-hmm

you drove drunk catch up Starsky all

right I'll trouble you he got a little

pad out you gonna be writing down cop

things what you doing what's your name

Melvin to frame that's duf are a and E

people call me mellow Mel at this point

I'm in my car right and all of a sudden

I lose control I do a nose plant into a

bus stop decide to ditch the vehicle set

it on fire two tiers in the [ __ ]

what I'm talking about poncherello at

this point I'll make it back to my pad

where the party's already happening

right here and let me tell you it's a

white Christmas

okay yeah okay thank you for joining us


no Ranger and I were just having the

discussion about a prime that happened

it's nice to see you here yes I was

doing cocaine all right most I've ever

done and everybody in this piece was

talking over one another right we

watching a bootleg copy of the Anne

Boleyn Girl and there's one girl she

trying to leave right she starts

screaming we wouldn't let her instead we

slip her some GHB right put her out on

the fire escape she could be there still

I do not know at this point I go out to

get my sandwich which I stole because I

ain't got no money

when I come back inside that's where my

weed was stolen so there it is but rough

the Crime Dog Scooby don't let's get on

the case sniff out some perps why are

you not left yet let me just make sure I

got this straight you you got drunk and

crashed a car set it on fire right then

you snorted some cocaine most I've ever

done you held a girl against her will

who was screaming and you stole a

sandwich is that about right

and my we got took in man that's it they

said I did not be listening to a single

word I'll be saying okay sir well um

what we're gonna do uh we're gonna

arrest you now because everything you've

described is illegal she talked about me

oh no not Oh doc come on man this is

ridiculous what I called you I called

y'all oh all right yeah welcome to

Bush's America seen it before been there

done that

all right whoa hold up hold up Judge

Dredd Rob Snyder's character hold on one

second what if I had information about a

murder well you know we could probably

knock some of this down if you had

information about a murder cuffs please

uh would it a hurt or help me if I was

the murderer in question definitely hurt

okay you better lock me up for that

other stuff yeah I am the stupidest man

in the world

am i mom